On the top of the list of "'Significant Moments in One's Life,'" I would rank being on the receiving end of a wedding toast to be pretty high up there. Now I'm not one for pomp and circumstance of any kind, and I've never adhered to social appropriations in general. But I do have a pretty good thermometer for reading a room.
So when an old friend grabbed the open mic at my wedding reception and started waxing poetic about all the poor, alcohol-fueled, debaucherous and moderately legal goings-on of my early twenties, I found myself simultaneously mortified and humored. Mortified because, well, hello...trial by whiskey-soaked fire with an audience, amirite? But humored because this friend, no, this "person", was so obviously (now) a stranger.
She didn't know me.
She "knew" me.
And I felt sorry for her.
We haven't talked since. Not out of anger, at least on my end. But that stop-action-slow-motion train wreck of a speech told me all I needed to know about what she thought of me. And I'm sure there is a fair amount of embarrassment on her end. The stunned faces of the wedding reception masses told her everything she needed to know about "herself". And so I've been able to walk away (uncharacteristically) without guilt.
She was there and I am here. And that's okay. Did you know that? Welp, good on you if you do. Because it took me until fairly recently to be convicted in my decision - without guilt - on who I let into my little world. It is by no means an exclusive club...but relationships take time. And love. And energy. And it's okay to be selective with those parts of yourself.
Now I certainly can't write you a roadmap of the rights and wrongs of female friendships, because wouldn't that map have to be redrawn every year or so? The topography of friendship is ever moving, particularly with women. But I do know a teeny bit about navigating the landscape. And I know a teeny bit more about when you know it's time to separate paths with your lady-friend.
THE CHANGING NATURE OF FRIENDSHIPS
We're at a weird age where old friends mix with new friends - some better than others - but they mix nonetheless. I have a handful of women that have known me since braces and bad hygiene and prank phone calls and backyard campouts. And luckily enough, I also have women that I have met through work and college and significant others and *gasp* the internet.
Concurrently, this also seems to be right around the time where your social universe starts to tilt one way or another. Maybe you have replaced the local Friday night rendezvous bar with Netflix and yoga pants. Or maybe your partner-in-crime has moved on with her own partner-in-crime-in-utero. Or maybe that new, shiny friend who was hilariously snarky has slowly turned into sarcastic and just plain mean. And maybe, just maybe, you're starting to notice a waning effort in one (or more?) of your friendships. It could be one side or both sides and you could be sitting there reading this right now, while the back of your mind is echoing, "maybe I don't want to be friends with this person anymore..."
So what if you don't? The precipice of being un-friends is a daunting tipping point. But, survivable. And normal.
FEMALE FRIENDSHIP IS COMPLICATED...
The ebbs and flows of friendship are constant and indicative of where you are in your life. And female friendships in particular seem to be an intricate and delicate enigma. Complicated, but not impossible to maintain with the right amount of love, compassion, honesty, kindness and humor. If there is a disturbance in the friendship mojo, you can't just write this person off, right? There is never a black and white answer when it comes to matters of the heart. History and shared experiences color your friendship and shade every decision you make about these darling people. There are "things" to consider.
BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
Making new friends and leaving behind older friendships should not be looked upon as something purely negative. I think that (some) female friendships can be wrought with dramatics and sensitivity when it comes to the goings-on of the actual friendship. 'Serious' conversations shouldn't be so intimidating and demonstrative... but somehow, they are. Think of the last serious conversation you had with one of your friends. How did it go?
My guess is: not well.
If we can approach a romantic relationship with objectivity, why is it so hard within a friendship? And how can we make it easier?
Logic + love, sweet friends.
Allow the logic to step in, the emotion to step out (but maybe allow it to look through the window), and make a decision. My point being, the should-we-or-shouldn't-we conversations should. be. easier. If the friendship isn't serving you, making you a better human being, supporting you mentally and emotionally or has become drastically and eternally one-sided, take comfort in walking away. Resolve yourself into respectfully leaving the friendship for your own well being.
It's okay.
It's healthy.
It's appropriate.
Hold your head high and take comfort in knowing that this is life and love. Up. Down. Pro. Con. Ladder. Chute. Happy. Sad. Friends. Un-friends. BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR PROACTIVITY TO OWN WHO YOU GIVE YOUR ENERGY TO.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Aubrie is lucky enough to married to the coolest dude she's ever known. She's a kick-ass auntie, a proud sister of two brothers, and great friend. She loves 90's R">"[Image by Dani rv]"
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