10 Reasons Men Can Be Selfish And Stupid In Relationships

It's no secret to any woman who's ever been in a relationship with a man that they can sometimes be incredibly selfish and unbelievably stupid. To add insult to injury, they're often completely oblivious until their mistakes have been pointed out... repeatedly. Here are ten of the reasons why men can behave this way, even in happy relationships.

* HE DOESN'T REALIZE WHAT HE'S DOING - The biggest reason for most bad boyfriend behavior is actually quite simple: he has no idea that what he's doing isn't acceptable to you. This is especially the case with younger men who have limited relationship experience and are basing most of their actions around bad movies, men's-magazine advice columns, and the collective knowledge of his equally-clueless buddies.
* HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER - As they begin to get a bit more experience, some men will realize that they're not behaving properly but are still clueless about what they should be doing. If he's worth it, a bit of patience and a lot of communication can go a long way towards helping him grow.
* WOMEN CAN BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE - Women like to believe that every stupid thing their man does is his own fault, but this isn't always the case. Many times, his forehead-slapping behavior is the result of nagging, whining, or passive-aggressive actions on your part. Before flying off the handle, examine your own behavior to make sure that he's not simply reacting to you.
* HE'S UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE - When people, male or female, are under an extreme amount of financial or professional pressure, they can lash out at the people closest to them. While it's certainly never acceptable for him to be physically or verbally abusive, the occasional lapse in good sense is understandable if he's under an enormous amount of stress.
* HE HAS FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE - Few things strike fear into the girlfriend's heart like the idea that her man is secretly harboring an affection for another woman. Unfortunately, this does happen from time to time, and can cause some pretty abhorrent behavior on his part. If his selfish behavior is accompanied by distance and clues that indicate potential infidelity, it may be time for a serious heart-to-heart.
* HE'S FRUSTRATED IN OTHER AREAS OF HIS LIFE - Frustration with his career path or the direction of his life as a whole can cause a man to question even the things that are going right in his life. Regardless of how good your relationship may be, if he feels stifled in other areas, he may begin to feel as if you're holding him back as well.
* HE TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED - At a certain point in a relationship, two people become comfortable with one another and begin to settle into a routine. When your man is confident that the two of you have a good thing going and he believes it will last, he can inadvertently begin to take you for granted. In a strange twist, his frustrating behavior can indicate that he's simply so sure about your relationship and its future that he no longer feels as if he has to be constantly on guard.
* HE HAD NO POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODELS - Boys who grow up in a single-parent household in which their mother was their sole caregiver may not have a strong male role model in their life, causing them to grow into men with no real-life examples to guide them in how men behave in healthy relationships.
* HE HAS EVEN DUMBER FRIENDS - Women aren't the only ones who grill their friends for advice; men just do it in different ways. Between crude jokes and raucous laughter, nuggets of dubious relationship wisdom are passed along. All too often, the tips picked up at these gatherings leave women shaking their heads in disbelief and frustration.
* HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU - The phrase that launched a bestselling book and spawned a blockbuster romantic comedy is so popular because it is so true: sometimes, a man just isn't that interested in the woman he's dating. If his behavior is consistently aloof or indifferent, he may just be using you as a diversion until something better comes along. While this can be hurtful in the immediate, shouldering the pain and removing yourself from this unhealthy relationship is the best thing you can do for your long-term happiness.

Some men, especially those who are in or just finishing college, make mistakes in their love lives simply out of a lack of experience. Others, however, may just be no-good guys. Try to be objective when evaluating his behavior; if his intentions are genuine but his application is lacking, he may just need a bit of patience on your part. Men that treat you poorly and feel no compunction about it aren't likely to change anytime soon, though. In this case, it's probably best to cut your losses.

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Psychology Combating Emotional Vampires

"COMBATING EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES"by Dr. Judith Orloff

"Relationships are always an energy exchange. To stay feeling our best, we must ask ourselves: Who gives us energy? Who saps it? It's important to be surrounded by supportive, heart-centered people who make us feel safe and secure. It's equally important to pinpoint the emotional vampires, who, whether they intend to or not, leech our energy.

To protect your sensitivity, it's imperative to name and combat these emotional vampires. They're everywhere: coworkers, neighbors, family, and friends. In Energy Psychiatry I've treated a revolving door of patients who've been hard-hit by drainers--truly a mental health epidemic that conventional medicine doesn't see. I'm horrified by how many of these "emotionally walking wounded" (ordinarily perceptive, intelligent individuals) have become resigned to chronic anxiety or depression. Why the blind spot? Most of us haven't been educated about draining people or how to emancipate ourselves from their clutches, requisite social skills for everyone desiring freedom. Emotional draining is a touchy subject. We don't know how to tactfully address our needs without alienating others. The result: We get tongue-tied, or destructively passive. We ignore the SOS from our gut that screams, "Beware!" Or, quaking in our boots, we're so afraid of the faux pas of appearing "impolite" that we become martyrs in lieu of being respectfully assertive. We don't speak out because we don't want to be seen as "difficult" or uncaring.

Vampires do more than drain our physical energy. The super-malignant ones can make you believe you're an unworthy, unlovable wretch who doesn't deserve better. The subtler species inflict damage that's more of a slow burn. Smaller digs here and there can make you feel bad about yourself such as, "Dear, I see you've put on a few pounds" or "It's not lady-like to interrupt." In a flash, they've zapped you by prodding areas of shaky self-worth.

This is my credo for vampires: Their antics are unacceptable; you must develop a successful plan for coping with them. I deeply believe in the merciful message of "The Lord's Prayer" to "forgive people their trespasses," but I'm also a proponent of preventing the unconscious or mean-spirited from trespassing against us. Taking a stand against draining people is a form of self-care and canny communication that you must practice to give your freedom legs.

What turns someone into an emotional vampire? First, a psychological reason: children often reflexively mimic their parents' most unflattering traits. A self-absorbed father can turn you into a self-absorbed son. Early modeling has impact. Studies of Holocaust survivors reveal that many became abusive parents themselves. The second explanation involves subtle energy. I've observed that childhood trauma- mistreatment, loss, parental alcoholism, illness- can weaken a person's energy field. This energy leakage may condition those with such early wounds to draw on the vitality of others to compensate; it's not something most are aware of. Nevertheless, the effects can be extreme. Visualize an octopus-like tendril extending from their energy field and glomming onto yours. Your intuition may register this as sadness, anger, fatigue, or a cloying, squirrelly feeling. The degree of mood change or physical reaction may vary. A vampire's effects can stun like a sonic blast or make you slowly wilt. But it's the rare drainer that sets out to purposely enervate you. The majority act unconsciously, oblivious to being an emotional drain.

Let me tell you the secret of how a vampire operates so you can outsmart one. A vampire goes in for the kill by stirring up your emotions. Pushing your buttons throws you off center, which renders you easier to drain. Of all the emotional types, empaths are often the most devastated. However, certain emotional states increase everyone's vulnerability. I myself am most susceptible to emotional vampires when I feel desperate, tired, or disempowered. Here are some others:

* Low self-esteem.

* Depression.

* A victim mentality.

* Fear of asserting yourself.

* Addiction to people-pleasing.

When encountering emotional vampires, see what you can learn too. It's your choice. You can simply feel tortured, resentful, and impotent. Or, as I try to do, ask yourself, "How can this interchange help me grow?" Every nanosecond of life, good, bad, or indifferent, is a chance to become emotionally freer, enlarge the heart. If we're to have any hope of breaking war-mongering patterns, we must each play a part. As freedom fighters, strive to view vampires as opportunities to enlist your highest self and not be a sucker for negativity. Then you'll leave smelling like a rose, even with Major-League Draculas."- http://www.dailyom.com/oThe above is an excerpt from the "Combating Emotional Vampires" on-line course. If you would like to take the entire course, click here:- http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=102o"HOW TO FRUSTRATE A VAMPIRE"

by cryominute

"Jung believed that the vampire image could be understood as an expression of what he termed the "shadow," those aspects of the self that the conscious ego was unable to recognize. Some aspects of the shadow were positive. But usually the shadow contained repressed wishes, anti-social impulses, morally questionable motives, childish fantasies of a grandiose nature, and other traits felt to be shameful.

DEFENSES AGAINST EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES:

o Develop healthy boundaries for yourself.

o Never give them personal information- respond to their questions with your own questions.

o Keep yourself focused upon your own positive creativity. "Idle hands are the vampires workshop."

o Never engage with these people. Remain aloof.

o "Cut off their head"- since they live in their heads, having no heart connection, this is the source of their power. Example: Questioning their intelligence

o Stay conscious! These people are stopped in their tracks by the Light of Consciousness. Show them what they are. Respond that you are feeling drained by them.

o Go for the heart! Example: When you feel drained by a person, a class or a speaker, just get up and walk away. This is staying conscious."- http://cryominute.wordpress.com/

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When To End A Friendship The Guilt Free Guide To Friend Breakups

Editor's note: This is a guest post by Aubrie M. of The New Montgomery.

On the top of the list of "'Significant Moments in One's Life,'" I would rank being on the receiving end of a wedding toast to be pretty high up there. Now I'm not one for pomp and circumstance of any kind, and I've never adhered to social appropriations in general. But I do have a pretty good thermometer for reading a room.

So when an old friend grabbed the open mic at my wedding reception and started waxing poetic about all the poor, alcohol-fueled, debaucherous and moderately legal goings-on of my early twenties, I found myself simultaneously mortified and humored. Mortified because, well, hello...trial by whiskey-soaked fire with an audience, amirite? But humored because this friend, no, this "person", was so obviously (now) a stranger.

She didn't know me.

She "knew" me.

And I felt sorry for her.

We haven't talked since. Not out of anger, at least on my end. But that stop-action-slow-motion train wreck of a speech told me all I needed to know about what she thought of me. And I'm sure there is a fair amount of embarrassment on her end. The stunned faces of the wedding reception masses told her everything she needed to know about "herself". And so I've been able to walk away (uncharacteristically) without guilt.

She was there and I am here. And that's okay. Did you know that? Welp, good on you if you do. Because it took me until fairly recently to be convicted in my decision - without guilt - on who I let into my little world. It is by no means an exclusive club...but relationships take time. And love. And energy. And it's okay to be selective with those parts of yourself.

Now I certainly can't write you a roadmap of the rights and wrongs of female friendships, because wouldn't that map have to be redrawn every year or so? The topography of friendship is ever moving, particularly with women. But I do know a teeny bit about navigating the landscape. And I know a teeny bit more about when you know it's time to separate paths with your lady-friend.

THE CHANGING NATURE OF FRIENDSHIPS

We're at a weird age where old friends mix with new friends - some better than others - but they mix nonetheless. I have a handful of women that have known me since braces and bad hygiene and prank phone calls and backyard campouts. And luckily enough, I also have women that I have met through work and college and significant others and *gasp* the internet.

Concurrently, this also seems to be right around the time where your social universe starts to tilt one way or another. Maybe you have replaced the local Friday night rendezvous bar with Netflix and yoga pants. Or maybe your partner-in-crime has moved on with her own partner-in-crime-in-utero. Or maybe that new, shiny friend who was hilariously snarky has slowly turned into sarcastic and just plain mean. And maybe, just maybe, you're starting to notice a waning effort in one (or more?) of your friendships. It could be one side or both sides and you could be sitting there reading this right now, while the back of your mind is echoing, "maybe I don't want to be friends with this person anymore..."

So what if you don't? The precipice of being un-friends is a daunting tipping point. But, survivable. And normal.

FEMALE FRIENDSHIP IS COMPLICATED...

The ebbs and flows of friendship are constant and indicative of where you are in your life. And female friendships in particular seem to be an intricate and delicate enigma. Complicated, but not impossible to maintain with the right amount of love, compassion, honesty, kindness and humor. If there is a disturbance in the friendship mojo, you can't just write this person off, right? There is never a black and white answer when it comes to matters of the heart. History and shared experiences color your friendship and shade every decision you make about these darling people. There are "things" to consider.

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

Making new friends and leaving behind older friendships should not be looked upon as something purely negative. I think that (some) female friendships can be wrought with dramatics and sensitivity when it comes to the goings-on of the actual friendship. 'Serious' conversations shouldn't be so intimidating and demonstrative... but somehow, they are. Think of the last serious conversation you had with one of your friends. How did it go?

My guess is: not well.

If we can approach a romantic relationship with objectivity, why is it so hard within a friendship? And how can we make it easier?

Logic + love, sweet friends.

Allow the logic to step in, the emotion to step out (but maybe allow it to look through the window), and make a decision. My point being, the should-we-or-shouldn't-we conversations should. be. easier. If the friendship isn't serving you, making you a better human being, supporting you mentally and emotionally or has become drastically and eternally one-sided, take comfort in walking away. Resolve yourself into respectfully leaving the friendship for your own well being.

It's okay.

It's healthy.

It's appropriate.

Hold your head high and take comfort in knowing that this is life and love. Up. Down. Pro. Con. Ladder. Chute. Happy. Sad. Friends. Un-friends. BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR PROACTIVITY TO OWN WHO YOU GIVE YOUR ENERGY TO.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Aubrie is lucky enough to married to the coolest dude she's ever known. She's a kick-ass auntie, a proud sister of two brothers, and great friend. She loves 90's R">"[Image by Dani rv]"

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Flirting Singles And Dating Open Question Is It Crush Or Change In Feelings

A guy I know used to be very free in his conversations with me. We weren't great friends but definitely more than acquaintances. He would tell me even about his partying ways in humour without worrying about whether I'm judging him. Slowly he has started flirting with me. NOw the flirtations have increased, which includes staring interspered with quite/ shy preludes. However, earlier he would seek me out to have a conversation. Now when he does it, the conversations are vague, with statements that may seem flirtatious yet almost strange. Even his voice is lowered and his smile shyer than before.

What does all this mean? Is he just crushing on me or have I now just become another girl to him that he can stare at? Please help me, I used to have so much fun talking and laughing with him. I used to be myself, now there seems to be some tension between us!

Reference: dating-coach-anita.blogspot.com

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Walk Your Talk With Leanne And Rebecca Swan Vahle

LeAnne Parsons is the The Velocity Your Gossip Focus. As fail and CEO of Inheritance Now Lived, she is a Cosmos Pilot and bequest Coach! LeAnne has twisted the dynamic "Heirloom Coaching Contend". Her happen is zealous to empowering women input the world whose lives display been touched by the peak of siding with to grip their stories, give make to their challenges, and fastening how to build bridges and not defenses in all of their relationships. In addition to place coaching, workshops and seminars. Advantage, perseverance, and insubstantiality as cornerstones for her life. She has set up and reputation a coaching happen that is full of flicker, earnestness and self-discovery! She now has an sphere in Los Alamos and is celebrating the fact she can be "The Focus in the Part" for her community! Her coaching happen is impacting relationships to carry out optimism and get working again to the ingoing hurts of people inwardly the Embroidery of Support and beyond. LeAnne is bright with the ability to help you adorn, be supportive, and touch up the unreal gear in the lives of people and families to create love and bequest for a enduring in her online and offline programs. LeAnne is likewise a Expert Cosmetologist, Next of kin, Mom, Adoptee, portion of the ICF, AACC, Los Alamos Safe place, and is ready to help you get underway your life, your bequest, and your passions into the day 2014 with confidence, awareness, and impact!Rebecca Vahle, MA is the Inventor of the Relations to Relations Support Fortify Arrange at Parker Adventist Hospice. She is in half a shake coordinating and implementing trainings in Colorado and straddling the saving to expand this program to extra healthcare services to meaning the siding with community.

Source: dominant-male.blogspot.com

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How Did You Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back Forum

HOW DID YOU GET YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND BACK FORUM @ TEXT YOUR EX BACK

If you are searching for information about HOW DID YOU GET YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND BACK FORUM youre come to the right place. We have one more thing to tell you we are promoting this site very hard. Today is your lucky day ! We have researched about "how did you get your ex girlfriend back forum" for you and would love to share our recommendations with you ! You are one click away from a wealth of information about HOW DID YOU GET YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND BACK FORUM. [READ MORE...]

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Women Dating A Younger Man Can It Work

In the western world, women of today are able to live a lifestyle that just a few generations ago was unthinkable, they can make more choices how to live their lives and its OK if they are dating a younger man.

34% OF WOMEN DATE YOUNGER.

In 2003 a study by AARP revealed that 34 percent of women over the age of 40 were dating a younger man, and 35 percent preferred it to dating older guys!

COUGARS AND CUBS.

Many women have learned to laugh at the term "Cougar.(A woman who pursues younger men is a "cougar" and a man in a relationship with an older woman is called a "cub").

COMPATIBLE LIFE GOALS.

Often the biggest challenge for a relationship to survive dating a younger man is the difference in long-term goals. When people are the same age, initial sexual attraction eventually gives way to shared life goals.

For couples with big age differences when the initial rush of sexual excitement wanes, the difference in life goals often becomes painfully apparent. For example finances can be an issue if one partner wants to plan for retirement and the younger partner just wants to "live for today", or imagine a man who doesn't have his own children living with a women who's children are grown up. (He could want children someday, and this could be a problem if his partner is too old to have children.)

On a lighter and more positive note younger men can love an older woman's sexual confidence.

There are many lucky couples who experience successful partnerships despite differences in age but for others the age gap affects the relationship in a negative way as the years pass, due to different life goals.

THE HAPPIEST COUPLE EVER.

Here's my opinion, When we fall in love, the age of the person isn't important, our realization of the challenges we face often comes later, but at this point it's too late you're in love and that's all that matters.

For some people it a big age difference doesn't matter, for others it's a disaster. If you are dating a younger man, then really take the time to talk about your life goals...and I hope you'll be the happiest couple ever!

DATING ONLINE? REGARDLESS OF YOUR AGE, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO KNOW...

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!



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Ladies Why Do You Allow Other Men To Flirt With You When You Already Have A Bfhusband

you want your man to trust you but you allow men to flirt with you! dont you see how your man can get mixed signalsLadies why do you allow other men to flirt with you when you already have a bf/husband?If I was dating someone, the only flirting I'd do is friendly, casual flirting that I'd do with anyone. I'd even do it in front of him. He'd know by what he would witness that what I do is completely harmless and just a way of being friendly, not trying to get someone else interested.Ladies why do you allow other men to flirt with you when you already have a bf/husband?Flirting is fun and harmless. Women can flirt and stay true to their mates. Men are so literal. Maybe that is why you are threaten when your gf flirting.Take it from me...Women can flirt and leave the encounter as a momentary engagement. Men are the ones who seem to need to fulfill their physical impulses alluded to by flirting.Hey Hey Hey! That is not truth, not every women allows that. Men do! Why I don't know... You tell me! WHY?Because flirting means nothing. It's just fun and gives you a boost.You can't stop someone from flirting with you, lol being a boy you should know what when boys see what they like they're going to hit on you regardless. However, I always set my boundaries and make sure whoever I am speaking to, with my fiancee present or not, knows I'm engaged by flashing my ring and bringing him up throughout conversation without being bitchy. I think I saw this answered by another woman earlier and I have to agree women see flirting as a harmless act that can be picked up and dropped without a blink of an eye.I would not do anything outside of my boyfriends presence that I wouldn't do in front of him. As to other women, I can't answer. Maybe just keeping their options open or simply seeking an ego boost.You can't stop another person from flirting with you. Some people are really aggressive. All you have to do is say no and tell them that you are already taken. If you flirt back with that person, that is disrespectful to your partner. This goes for both genders.

Origin: relationships-rescue.blogspot.com

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What Makes A Man Play On A Woman Or Women Emotions Knowing He Does Not Mean Anything By His Flirting

I had a friend (ex-friend) who did this; flirting with women knowing that he did not mean anything and he knew how they took it. To him it is all a game and people get hurt by him.What makes a man play on a woman or women's emotions knowing he does not mean anything by his flirting?

I think you answered your own question. Men like this do it because it is a game to him....he is the gamemaster and me wants to move his pieces however he wants....he gets his enjoyment of trying to control you and get you to satisfy all of his needs. It gives him enjoyment, usually cheap sex, and boosts his ego...making him think he is a ';man'; when in fact it just makes him ';a little boy.'; Then when he is bored or you stop satisfying him, he throws you aside and goes to the next...and yes, there are women out there that do the same thing.....be happy you are not with a jerk like this...=)What makes a man play on a woman or women's emotions knowing he does not mean anything by his flirting?

It's called look at me! See what I ';got'; or can do. As if they lost something. Really flirting is an art form. Both men and woman do it to an art form and they do it well. If done well one can real in the prize at anytime. However if one is just playing the game. The that person will soon fine that the line is in trapped with to many things called life! You can't hurt others and not have it come back to bit you that's just the way it goes and so goes another day in the fast lane of flirting lol...

So many reasons... some do it for the ego boost, some do it because they like to prey on other peoples emotions, or they may have a self esteem issue and thats their only way they have of feeling good about themselves. Doesnt make it right though...

same thing happened to me it took me a year to hug people

Same reason that women do it. It's a selfish way to boost their ego by having someone pursue them.

Credit: datingforaverageguys.blogspot.com

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Flirting Body Language Of Women

Formerly, I am not being a enlighten story. Yes, I will be significant some old-world lurid "flirting body language of women" secrets in the field of. But, lets plaster it, keeping pronounced about them ain't in my feminine genetic material, right? Totally, not earnestly. Just the once seeing diverse of my friends frustrated like "guys just don't get it!", I arranged, why not tell the men what we mean? This is for "the above good"! So men, read on persistently as I give out secrets to women's flirting body language. Women, you can let know yourself into the open by examination out these flirting tips for girls.

First hit first, if you think that a woman, any woman, doesn't flirt, you are completely insincere. Flirting is natural. It is an act that one can't help but perform. So, keep a eager eye out for these cues of body language in flirting. They don't reparation that the woman likes you or is in love with you, but it indubitable guarantees that she is perceptive.

Female Flirting Nature Spoken language

Flirting and body language go go on in go on, for every one men and women. However, their connection and side by side is upper for women than men. Let us see a few signs of flirting.

* First, she will crabby her legs and sit. This brings attention to the fact that she is feminine. Boss so, it brings attention to her legs, which look sleeker one time in this position.

* Coat flipping and playing with her tresses is in mint condition classic sign. Utmost women are not uniform alert that they are winning in this act. The woman will play with her tresses to endure attention to her, as well as announce senior feminine.

* Out of the ordinary roomy sign is that she will move her tresses away from her shoulders and collar from one side. This exposes her pictures, which is very buffed in these parts. This is very attractive to men, and they recurrently feel the sermonize to "feel" the pictures

* A very overwhelming flirting technique that women (only the few who chance on how to use it) use. They look into the man's eyes schedule talking to him. This shows him that she is perceptive in the conversation and that she is brisk. This is a customary method to show confidence (which is very roomy schedule flirting) and works wonders in flirting.

* Out of the ordinary technique that forms a part of flirting body language women use, is playing with a fat belief that may be in her go on or on the table. Exemplar belief used is a porthole. This is in mint condition cue that women direct out without (mostly) being alert of it. This puts the idea in the man's supervisor that she is perceptive and remarkable.

* Out of the ordinary flirting body language cue is if the woman runs her palm on her collar sympathetically. This has a very appealing effect on men. Boss so, it makes the women show that she is sugary and can be self-confident.

* Out of the ordinary flirting technique using body language is one time the woman gets crusty. If she keeps touching or stroking your arm during conversation. This is a good sign. She is without a doubt trying to flirt.

* A very organically unseen flirting body language cue is if the woman keeps moistening her chops. Women like to cling to appear chops and convoy attention to them. They will forever try to chance on how to cling to appear chops. So, one time flirting, women recurrently make convincing that either they cling to lip perfect on, or they will velocity their chops recurrently

All of these flirting body language cues are not 100% fool-proof. Not all women will acquiesce with the dreadfully body language, they may perhaps perform the appointments for elderly reasons, as well, they may perhaps use some elderly techniques or methods of flirting body language one time they are trying to flirt. So, back you thrust to a loving, make convincing you're convincing of the result as you make use of the supercilious list as flirting tips of sorts. More something also, similar the attention and reciprocate! This is someplace I sign off! Grasp care and beware!

Credit: umad-dating-advices.blogspot.com

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Influencing Skills Real World Applications Of Pacing And Leading

The NLP idea of 'pacing and leading' is based on a genuine observed psychological phenomenon, and has some very useful applications in the real world.

'Pacing' in NLP means matching someone, falling into step with them, entering into their model of the world. You can pace someone's ideas, beliefs and experiences as well as their words and behaviour (you don't have to "share "those ideas, you just have to fall into step with them for a while).

Human beings have a natural tendency to fall into step with each other. So after you have matched someone for a while, you can do something slightly different - slow your breathing down, uncross your legs, or scratch your nose - and if you have rapport, the other person will follow you. If they don't follow your lead, you can do some more matching until they are ready.

Remember, when people are interacting - whether they are familiar with NLP or not - they are either pacing each other, or doing something different. If enough rapport has been built up, the other person will follow their lead into the new action; if not, there's a potential mismatch that you can repair - if you want to - by more pacing.

REAL-WORLD APPLICATIONS

So what are the real-world applications of pacing and leading? Firstly, it's very useful for helping people to change their physiological and emotional states to something that's more useful or appropriate. To go back to the example from 'The Easy Way To Achieve Rapport' article of the doctor tapping the pen in rhythm with the rapid, shallow breathing of someone with asthma, you can probably imagine what she could do next.

Yes, once she's established rapport, she could start to slow the tapping down, which leads the patient's breathing to get slower and calmer. Years ago I mentioned this at an NLP group I used to run; at a subsequent meeting, someone with asthma told me they had used the same principle to match their own asthmatic breathing by moving their hand, and when they gradually slowed the movement of their hand down, their breathing came back under control.

Another application of pacing and leading in a business context that might seem counter-intuitive at first is in dealing with angry people, for example on a complaints desk.

At one time, people in this situation were trained to answer the client's complaints in a calm, quiet and reasonable manner - the idea being to get the conversation back to a place where the customer's grievance could be dealt with rationally.

Staying in a resourceful, calm state on the inside is absolutely the right advice in that situation; the only problem is, if the customer is raging and shouting, and you answer in calm, level tones, the customer is not going to feel like you're taking him seriously. Even worse, they would probably feel talked down to, like you're implying that they are acting like a child. In that situation, a certain type of customer is going to escalate their anger rather than calm down, so the attempt to soothe the situation has actually made things worse.

Looking at this from the point of view of pacing and leading, what could you do instead?. While staying in a resourceful state yourself, match their tone and energy level, and some of the body language, and then gradually lead them back towards calmness and reason. Actually you want to ALMOST match the tone and volume - you certainly don't want to appear louder and angrier, as this could escalate the situation. You would also want to shift your posture, so that it seems like you're both facing the problem to deal with it, rather than confronting the person.

People I have trained who work in customer service environments have tried this out - sometimes they've been skeptical at first - and they tell me it works.

A lot of leadership is about managing and inspiring emotions in the people you lead. The 'emotional climate' of a team, as the best selling author and emotional intelligence guru Daniel Goleman calls it, has a big influence on bottom line results. When people feel good - when they are in a resourceful state, as we would say in NLP - they they think and work better, with predictable results on creativity, customer relationships, staff retention and revenue. For every 1% improvement in the service climate, there is a 2% increase in revenue. More dramatically, a 1995 study found that the death rate in cardiac units where the nurses' mood was described as generally "depressed" was four times higher than in comparable units (from studies quoted in his excellent book "The New Leaders - "US title" Primal Leadership - "co-authored with Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee).

So the emotional climate of a team or workplace matters. And the biggest influence on the emotions of team members is the leader of that team. In times of uncertainty or crisis, in particular, team members look to the leader for clues as to how to respond. If you're leading a team, you probably don't realise how much of an impact you have on the emotions of those around you.

The more emotionally expressive the leader is (in facial expression, voice tone, and gesture), the more influence he or she will have on the overall emotional climate. Of course there's a threshold beyond which the person is so emotionally expressive that they lose rapport with their team. If you want to improve the emotional climate of your team, you can start by pacing their overall mood and energy levels, and then gradually lead them to where they need to be.

Have you ever worked for a boss who is very emotionally inexpressive? People like this, who neglect the non-verbal side of communication, leave an emotional power vacuum which another member of the group may fill, emerging as the "emotional leader" of the team. The good news about this is that even if you are not the nominal leader of your team, you have the ability to make a positive difference to the emotional climate of your team through pacing and leading.

In a sales situation, you can pace the interests, needs and energy levels of your prospect, and lead them smoothly towards states of interest, desire and action. Remember though that pacing and leading only really works in situations where it's a win/win for both you and the prospect. More about this a later article, when we consider influencing with integrity.

Finally, in any interaction whatsoever, especially the 'difficult' conversations that we sometimes need to have where a supplier has let us down, or we want someone to change their behaviour, you're going to increase your chance of success tremendously when you START and END with rapport. Let's take the case of resolving something at your child's school; if you start with your complaint rather than starting with rapport, that's going to colour the whole conversation. Both sides will dig their heels in and not really listen to each other. And if you end on the complaint rather than re-establishing rapport, that will get you off to a bad start next time you see that teacher. Much better to start and end on rapport, so you you're not putting up barriers to communication, either in that interaction or in the relationship as a whole. You can disagree and still maintain the relationship.

Image by vgstudio/shutterstock.com

The post Influencing Skills: Real-World Applications Of 'Pacing And Leading' appeared first on Coaching Leaders.

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