Source: loveknowsnoage.blogspot.com
Saturday, June 29, 2013
How To Impress Women A Trick That Most Men Miss
Source: loveknowsnoage.blogspot.com
Friday, June 28, 2013
Communication Challenges Gender Patterns In Talking
Approximately being ago, we met at an Aviation Standard and naked that we had an connect with in research about women in aviation. We were both teaching aviation in the school setting and had noticed some self about our women students. Between the judgment that we part at that get-together were remarks about the way women communicate differently from men.
To the same extent we say and how we say it
Oral communication, like walking, is no matter which we do without stopping to question how we are pretense it. Because we say no matter which, we frequently feel we are just talking naturally, but what we say and how we say it are selected from a great range of bode well. Others rejoinder to our choices just as they rejoinder to the clothing we back. Wear down livestock signs of whether or not the trip is maintain or try. Personalities like maintain and try, rank and grungy, and attitudes like respect or lack of it are signaled by ways of talking. Everything that is whispered must be whispered in some way - in some tone of voice, at some rate of speed, and with some lilt and main part. We may comprise what to say because speaking, but singularly do we comprise HOW to say it unless the situation is very stormily charged. Rarely do we comprise how severely to speak or how fast, yet others, according to Deborah Tannen, use these signals to turn meanings and critic what they think of the communication.
Idiomatic style differences
People carry weird and wonderful conversational styles says Deborah Tannen. They are influenced by regions in which they grew up, society, age, class, and gender. But conversational style is unremarkable and we can be unintentional that these and supplementary aspects of our backgrounds affect our ways of talking. So, we think we are innocently saying what we mean. Ever since we don't bring into being that others' styles are weird and wonderful, we are consistently annoyed in conversations. Subsequently we attribute communication problems to others' intentions, thinking they don't like us or they are stupid, rude, dominating, etc.
Gender patterns in talking
Because looking at gender patterns in talking, we need to get better that people view their ways of talking as a natural image. So our pronunciation patterns are starkly undiplomatic. Women and men as a group talk in undeniable ways. The fact that fill with do not fit the pattern doesn't make the pattern not conventional.
Environment OF WOMEN'S Oral communication
Assay tells us that communication styles of men and women differ dramatically. Women's language tends to be aristocratic indirect and minute than men's language. Rush forward and lilt differences consistently demonstrate the sex of the speaker. Citizens, as well as biology, is an consequent quality in seminal voice use. Women observe to tag declarative answers by appendage yes/no rising intonations that make statements sound like questions. Women use hyper-polite forms that may involve aristocratic word conduct. Women camouflage modifiers and check out tags, consistently avoiding closing statements. Metaphor and superlatives, such as "No one is act" name women's language, and men untruly halt these provisos without favoritism to the same extent male language is aristocratic conclude and female language aristocratic abstract.
The everyday woman's voice is enhanced in pitch than the everyday male's voice to the same extent males carry longer, thicker raucous folds. Nevertheless, some raucous differences are socially sturdy. Women replace their voices to sound the way they procure women essential sound and men replace to sound like men essential sound. Both men and women try to match some faltering social prototype for each gender. Women use a wider range of pitches than men in all speaking situations, seeing that men observe to keep their voices quiet and rub because talking to adults, but use aristocratic raucous difference because talking to young genus. Nonetheless the ability of both genders to use raucous difference, men are other aristocratic persnickety about because they rework their voices and female language contains best quality metaphors. Women use intensifiers (e.g., so, such, more accurately, very, etc.), modifiers, tag questions (eg., isn't it?), and balmy expletives. Communicate is a big bias of gracefulness or hesitancy in female pronunciation. Chap language is aristocratic absolute; female language is aristocratic abstract.
Outgoing INFLUENCES
Hulit and Howard (1993) offer "It is fondly answerable that multiple of the gender differences we survey in language are socialized differences and are not purely based." Perceptions of gender roles are reflected in the language that fill with show of hands and perceptions are moreover formed by language. Women are skilled to be non assertive, irresolute, paying special attention, and moderate in their use of language. They are positioned in a "damned if they do and damned if they don't position like of gender-marked linguistic forthcoming. If they consent with social forthcoming by speaking barely and timorously, they are seen as trivial and behaving "just like a woman" and if they don't consent, women are seen as predatory or mannish.
Assay indicates that men talk aristocratic than women and that men are aristocratic answerable to spoil voguish conversations than women. Tannen's general work on gender and communication suggests that men use pronunciation to secure status and a ranking of thinness. They are aristocratic compliant pliable information and advice than indulgent advice or information. Women are unvaryingly compliant indulgent information as they are pliable it. Women are less compliant in the role of information conveyer. Men talk to inform; women talk to connect. Casing suggests that male communication tends to be aristocratic assertive and direct, making the speaker sound stable. Seeing that men and women don't carry the incredibly opinion or rules for talk, they can misread each other's motives and meanings.
Women are aristocratic sideways to settlement in their communication style in disagree to men's character to be deadpan. Men speak to both alter information and secure status in a group, and women talk to alter information and secure shared aims.
Evaluations of male and female pronunciation resulted in raters evaluating samples of the pronunciation of men and women differently as evidenced from ratings of transcribed conversations. Chap speakers were rated as aristocratic dynamic than females. Zahn claims that some of the difference in ratings is a ensue of sex role stereotypes. The character in the stereotypes is to view men as constricted, active and dominating, and to view women as sly, hard and acquiescent.
Women say "I don't be acquainted with" or "I'm not certain" aristocratic swiftly than men do. Sometimes evaluators turn these provisos of gracefulness as lack of knowledge regretful because, in fact, they are recurrently utterances that score knowledge that is discriminatory or overhanging. In particularly, women halt time to think over a problem and my resolve to a check out aristocratic carefully and less without thinking. Women do not want to give answers unless they are like a dream certain.
Dialogue CHALLENGES
Tannen's research in the company of women physicians places of interest gender-related communication problems. A few doctors reported that nurses wouldn't do for women doctors what they do for men; supplementary women physicians reported that nurses were their best followers. One general practitioner open an comments. She whispered she first modeled her image on male surgeons. The operational room functioned like the military with the general practitioner barking inform. She sordid that it didn't work for her. Very, by allying herself with nurses and respecting them as professional colleagues, they became her best followers. Tannen concludes that men can be narrow without lose blood of service, but women cannot labor in the incredibly way.
Listening
Studies on gender difference score that miserable responses such as nods, "yes" and "mm hum" are common characteristics of conversation. These responses consistently lead to male-female miscommunication. For women, a miserable come back with of this type resources innocently that she is listening not routinely that she agrees with the speaker. For men, it has a stronger meaning such as "I backdrop with you." Deem a woman speakers who receives only scarce nods from a man; she thinks he isn't listening. This example explains two common complaints about male-female communication (1) women who get tetchy with men who never roll up to chill out and (2) men who think that a woman is perpetually acquiescent and next thorough, because they find the woman doesn't backdrop, that it's extraordinary to tell what a woman for certain thinks.
NON-VERBAL Dialogue
Non-verbal communication can prepare misinterpretation. Doubtfulness, for example, can be interpreted as a sign of vice and dawdling because in reality it may be a sign of consideration and weighing options. A reconciliation impact can be interpreted as a sign of lack of concern or heaviness because it may be a sign of knowledge and promise. Punctually, constricted pronunciation may be alleged as divulging of knowledge and aptitude because, in fact, it may be a sign of wavering and lack of bearing.
Implications for the cockpit
Our research important to seep assembly language optional that seep assembly language was sordid to labor on both a propositional level (what is whispered) and a relational level (what it implies about the speakers' relationships) and that the utmost effective crews dish up to the relational level. Seeing that studies show that women and men change their conversational style depending on whether they are speaking to population of the incredibly sex or population of the converse sex, it appears impending to learn fine language forms and make use of them in the cockpit. By the use of direct, but gracious language, seems useful in assembly method. Perception of power displays is consequent. Prime in undeviating household tasks must never be relinquished in come back with to biting or predatory language. Civil, contemplative responses and constant respect are utmost successful communication tools for a assembly. Women's character to committed and re-check information and to ask questions is useful in false impression check. In studying seep training situations, we carry sordid that instructor pilots need to make instructional adjustments to meet women's needs for aristocratic slow understanding of concepts and military exercises. Guide pilots essential recurrently ask women students if they understand a making or smooth. The answers will frequently be aim, seeing that male students will virtually perpetually resolve that they understand whether or not they do clear in your mind understand.
Perfect judgment
Directly minute differences can lead to gross misinterpretation. But, as we gain understanding of conversational style, we can replace ways of talking and stand a better opening of understanding how others mean what they say. In time, our understanding of how women and men communicate differently essential make it less must for fill with to replace their conversational styles.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Man Discovers Wife Is A Man After 19 Years Of Marriage
Walk Your Talk With Leanne And Rebecca Swan Vahle
Source: dominant-male.blogspot.com
Friday, June 21, 2013
The Bottom Line On Testing And Why Being A Nice Guy Will Kill Your Relationship Or Marriage
It's not such a big secret anymore that being a "nice guy" is bad for your relationship, and men are finally waking up to the fact that much of the bratty behavior they see from women is in fact nothing more than a "wuss test." Here's why, and a few other things you really ought to know...
During an interesting discussion with a new student, we got on the subject of women testing men's level of wussitude and why being a nice guy doesn't work for either of you, and since I've not spoken about it for awhile, I'd like to share briefly with you the high points of that conversation. Even if you think you already know all of this, read it anyway, because you can never tell when the spark of inspiration or revelation will light you up!
To get you newbies caught up, women often push bad positions in arguments, insist on unreasonable concessions, pout, pitch fits, and engage in a lot of other seemingly absurd behavior with a very logical and targeted purpose, and it's not to get what they want. You heard me; it's not to get what they want. It's to get you to say, "NO." Why?
It's one of the elements of that "men are hunters, women are gatherers" thing that anthropologists talk about. I'll spare you most of the boring details, but suffice it to say that as we evolved (and I'm talking about improving and becoming more sophisticated as humans, not about the age-old debate about evolution vs. creation as an explanation as to how we got here, so save the anti-evolution hate mail and "intelligent design" sermons for somebody who will read it), we developed different skills and physical characteristics that made each gender better suited to handle specific tasks.
Over time, men who had larger lungs, bigger skeletons and musculature, and spatial skills (navigation, being able to mentally gauge proximity to guess the arc of a spear as he threw it, developing tools, etc.) to help provide food and protect themselves and others survived better and reproduced more. Women who had wider hips (to aid in childbirth), advanced language skills (to cooperate with others in building huts, processing skins and sinew to build weapons, and other tasks that were best conducted in cooperative enterprises), sharper sense of smell (to sense danger approaching the dwelling and identify edible or poisonous plants), etc., also survived and reproduced more.
As with everything biological in every species of life, those whose survivability traits were the best-developed reproduced the most - survival of the fittest in its purest form. Some men were better protectors and providers than others. Some women were better at tuning in to a man's traits and determining how much of a hunter and leader he could be. Through the generations, they became biologically "wired" through this process of natural selection (by locking in those genes that created successful traits) to possess skills that helped in finding a good mate.
While chasing down and killing a rabbit or deer with bare hands or a bear with a spear is no longer required for a woman and child to eat, and indeed, in most parts of the world women routinely provide for themselves quite adequately without the help of a man, these mechanisms are still present and active in the female brain, and they automatically engage to size a man up from time to time - indeed, virtually every time they encounter a man, familiar or not. Much has changed, but one thing hasn't: the nature of the test...
...which, in a nutshell, is to provoke you in some way to see if you will say "NO" to her when she is being unreasonable. Most of the time it is not at all deliberate, and you would laugh yourself silly as you read transcripts of conversations and e-mails in which women said, "I NEVER test a man. That's silly!" and then confessed to it within just a few seconds as their testing actions were called to their attention, after which many of them said, "Oh my God! He must hate me!"
No, he doesn't hate you, Ladies. Your testing is a pain in our collective ass, but it doesn't make us hate you. It makes us think you're nuts until we understand what it is and why you do it. Then it's usually somewhere between mildly annoying and wonderfully amusing. So on that note, guys, here it is, in a nutshell:
A woman knows, instinctively, without ever being told, as a result of biological development through the ages, that if a man can't stand up TO her (when appropriate), he cannot stand up FOR her or WITH her. "When appropriate" is a big deal, too, because when it is inappropriate to stand against her, you must also be able to stand with her, no matter how much ego or crow you might have to swallow, and if she's in the wrong, you have to be enough of a leader to show her that she's wrong so she doesn't push a bad position any further and get embarrassed or hurt.
Write that down, and recite it mentally every time you start to enter a conversation with a woman until it becomes second nature, because you will eventually need it with every women you ever meet if you talk to her more than a few minutes, maybe even a few seconds. They have to know, and are biologically-driven to find out, whether it's in a casual or formal situation, public or intimate context, and regardless of the nature or longevity of your relationship.
You WILL be tested, and if you can say "NO" to a woman she will feel safe in letting you get to know her better, safe in letting you hold sway over her emotions, safe in letting you negotiate on her behalf or as her adversary (because you'll say "NO" directly instead of saying "YES" and then trying to trick her or cheat her in some other way). No matter what you may think, there is no possible downside to saying "NO" when it's appropriate and the logical thing to do.
But when is that? We'll get to that in a minute, but before we do, let me clue you in on a HUGE difference in the way we communicate: nearly all communication you ever have with a woman, and ALL communication that carries the potential for conflict, will start as a negotiation.
It is EXPECTED that you enter a discussion with either a position or a statement that you require more information. So when saying "NO," unless you are abusive about it, in a woman's mind and according to the protocol she will naturally follow, that "NO" is not final; it is merely your opening negotiating position, and she expects a chance to give you input that will persuade you. An inappropriate "NO" will only anger a woman if you deliver the "NO" and deny her the opportunity of negotiation. That's why they get so ticked off when we act like we're afraid to say "NO;" it's just too wussy for words in their world.
But it does make things easier if you try to say "NO" only when appropriate, because it shows that you are reading her, which in turn means that you are paying attention to her, a big compliment in the women's playbook. The easiest way to draw the line between an appropriate and inappropriate "NO" is to ask one simple question, "Has she earned a 'yes'?"
If your wife says she wants new furniture for a room, and has contributed to the smooth and secure operation of the household, whether through a job or "domestic efforts," been loyal and trustworthy, given you love and respect, etc., then she's earned a "yes," as long as what she's asking for is within or can be worked into your budget, obviously. If she's laid around on her lazy or drunken butt while you and the kids have done everything and complained because you didn't do it fast enough, abused herself and you, and exhibited a general lack of respect for herself and everyone around her, no, she hasn't.
Indeed, she's earned a trip out the door to divorce court, just as you would if you did the same thing. It's really that plain and simple - ruthless, as one forum member called it, but necessary just the same. (It's at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, and you should visit, because even though it's still in beta and there are under 200 people there, the posts are REALLY interesting and helpful already.)
Or, put another way, if you think she deserves it and want to agree because of that, she's earned a "yes," but if you're thinking about giving in to earn some favor from her that really isn't a favor, but something a wife should be doing, you're about to get busted for being a wuss, and getting the furniture without gaining whatever favor you were after is just the beginning of your punishment, so don't go there. You can reward good behavior and punish the bad behavior, and you can exhibit good behavior by acting like a man of self-respect, but you cannot "buy off" a woman, at least not any woman worth having. That is in essence saying to her that you think she's a prostitute, and they don't take kindly to such things, sometimes even when they are.
As I said to this new reader today, I have searched extensively to find any rational downside to a man having genuine self-esteem and engaging in attractive behavior like being strong for his wife or girlfriend, and I have failed utterly to identify even an iota's worth of a good reason to do anything less. If a woman says she wants something, even if you think it's the right thing to do, invite her to make her case, thereby opening the negotiation that she expects and WANTS to engage in. Yes, you read that right.
Women naturally engage in negotiation to communicate nearly everything, and if she's testing, you've made the right move, and if she's not, she'll be happy to build the emotion of making her case instead of just having you give in. The same thing if you think you should say "no" - yes, really! If you think it's a bad idea, say so, and immediately invite her to make her case so that she doesn't feel shut down and retaliate. It would sound something like:
Her: "Honey, what do you think about our living room furniture?" (Implied statement: "Honey, I want new living room furniture, and it's time to negotiate.")
You: "I like it fine, why?" (The "why" is needed for her to continue; if you don't say it, she will most likely take it that you shut down the discussion!)
Her: "Well I think it needs to be replaced." (Or in the long version, "Don't you think it looks old and worn out (or the color is wrong, or it's uncomfortable, etc.)?" meaning I want to change it." Some women will continually ask questions to repeat the statement they are trying to make until you make it back to them, signifying understanding and interest.)
You: "Well, like I said, I don't see any problem with it, but you live her too, so tell me what makes you want to replace it."
From there, she'll either give you good reasons to do so, like pointing out that it's stained, uncomfortable worn, or she's so bored with it she doesn't feel comfortable in the room anymore (yes, that can be a very legitimate reason, as you would know if you knew everything you need to know about women, depending on whether she is truly bored with the furniture and the room condition or if she is generally bored and wanting "retail therapy" on the magnitude of a furniture purchase), or she'll stammer around talking about where you can buy it on sale, or giving you the old "you'd just buy it for me without asking questions if you loved me," routine if she doesn't have a good reason and is either testing you or showing her true colors as a gold-digger (and maybe it's time to test her a bit, too!)
The bottom line is that if she has a good reason, she'll enjoy talking about it and enjoy the intimacy and challenge of the negotiation. And if she doesn't, her behavior will make it quite obvious.
Living with a woman is easy if you are fairly well-matched in terms of values, tastes and interests and you understand what you need to know about women, which is how they are both like us and different from us, and how to communicate well enough to recognize negotiations, questions that are statements, etc. Now, you have a decision to make...
Are you going to spend a lifetime trying to learn on your own and reach the end of your life lonely and still not knowing?
Or worse, assume that I'm full of crap and you don't need to learn anything?
Or are you one of us guys who see a problem, seek out a viable solution, preferably one that has already worked for somebody else in similar circumstances, and fix it?
If you're that first guy, I commend your can-do attitude, but isn't reinventing the wheel a gross waste of time? Not to mention a HUGE risk of having life - family life - as you know it, come to a sudden halt if you don't figure it out, or don't figure it out fast enough?
If you're that second guy, why are you reading my newsletter? If you're looking for validation of your past actions instead of a solution to your self-inflicted problems, you're looking in the wrong place. I help people fix problems, not feel good about having created them.
If you're that third guy, let me hook you up with what you need, and yes, it has already been tested and proven by thousands of couples. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." Read it. Study it. Learn from it the answer to that oldest of man's questions: "What makes a woman tick?" and that next oldest: "What do women REALLY want?" Then go sweep your woman off her feet...I dare you! (And for those of you in the southern United States, "I double-dog dare you!")
In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham "Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham
During an interesting discussion with a new student, we got on the subject of women testing men's level of wussitude and why being a nice guy doesn't work for either of you, and since I've not spoken about it for awhile, I'd like to share briefly with you the high points of that conversation. Even if you think you already know all of this, read it anyway, because you can never tell when the spark of inspiration or revelation will light you up!
To get you newbies caught up, women often push bad positions in arguments, insist on unreasonable concessions, pout, pitch fits, and engage in a lot of other seemingly absurd behavior with a very logical and targeted purpose, and it's not to get what they want. You heard me; it's not to get what they want. It's to get you to say, "NO." Why?
It's one of the elements of that "men are hunters, women are gatherers" thing that anthropologists talk about. I'll spare you most of the boring details, but suffice it to say that as we evolved (and I'm talking about improving and becoming more sophisticated as humans, not about the age-old debate about evolution vs. creation as an explanation as to how we got here, so save the anti-evolution hate mail and "intelligent design" sermons for somebody who will read it), we developed different skills and physical characteristics that made each gender better suited to handle specific tasks.
Over time, men who had larger lungs, bigger skeletons and musculature, and spatial skills (navigation, being able to mentally gauge proximity to guess the arc of a spear as he threw it, developing tools, etc.) to help provide food and protect themselves and others survived better and reproduced more. Women who had wider hips (to aid in childbirth), advanced language skills (to cooperate with others in building huts, processing skins and sinew to build weapons, and other tasks that were best conducted in cooperative enterprises), sharper sense of smell (to sense danger approaching the dwelling and identify edible or poisonous plants), etc., also survived and reproduced more.
As with everything biological in every species of life, those whose survivability traits were the best-developed reproduced the most - survival of the fittest in its purest form. Some men were better protectors and providers than others. Some women were better at tuning in to a man's traits and determining how much of a hunter and leader he could be. Through the generations, they became biologically "wired" through this process of natural selection (by locking in those genes that created successful traits) to possess skills that helped in finding a good mate.
While chasing down and killing a rabbit or deer with bare hands or a bear with a spear is no longer required for a woman and child to eat, and indeed, in most parts of the world women routinely provide for themselves quite adequately without the help of a man, these mechanisms are still present and active in the female brain, and they automatically engage to size a man up from time to time - indeed, virtually every time they encounter a man, familiar or not. Much has changed, but one thing hasn't: the nature of the test...
...which, in a nutshell, is to provoke you in some way to see if you will say "NO" to her when she is being unreasonable. Most of the time it is not at all deliberate, and you would laugh yourself silly as you read transcripts of conversations and e-mails in which women said, "I NEVER test a man. That's silly!" and then confessed to it within just a few seconds as their testing actions were called to their attention, after which many of them said, "Oh my God! He must hate me!"
No, he doesn't hate you, Ladies. Your testing is a pain in our collective ass, but it doesn't make us hate you. It makes us think you're nuts until we understand what it is and why you do it. Then it's usually somewhere between mildly annoying and wonderfully amusing. So on that note, guys, here it is, in a nutshell:
A woman knows, instinctively, without ever being told, as a result of biological development through the ages, that if a man can't stand up TO her (when appropriate), he cannot stand up FOR her or WITH her. "When appropriate" is a big deal, too, because when it is inappropriate to stand against her, you must also be able to stand with her, no matter how much ego or crow you might have to swallow, and if she's in the wrong, you have to be enough of a leader to show her that she's wrong so she doesn't push a bad position any further and get embarrassed or hurt.
Write that down, and recite it mentally every time you start to enter a conversation with a woman until it becomes second nature, because you will eventually need it with every women you ever meet if you talk to her more than a few minutes, maybe even a few seconds. They have to know, and are biologically-driven to find out, whether it's in a casual or formal situation, public or intimate context, and regardless of the nature or longevity of your relationship.
You WILL be tested, and if you can say "NO" to a woman she will feel safe in letting you get to know her better, safe in letting you hold sway over her emotions, safe in letting you negotiate on her behalf or as her adversary (because you'll say "NO" directly instead of saying "YES" and then trying to trick her or cheat her in some other way). No matter what you may think, there is no possible downside to saying "NO" when it's appropriate and the logical thing to do.
But when is that? We'll get to that in a minute, but before we do, let me clue you in on a HUGE difference in the way we communicate: nearly all communication you ever have with a woman, and ALL communication that carries the potential for conflict, will start as a negotiation.
It is EXPECTED that you enter a discussion with either a position or a statement that you require more information. So when saying "NO," unless you are abusive about it, in a woman's mind and according to the protocol she will naturally follow, that "NO" is not final; it is merely your opening negotiating position, and she expects a chance to give you input that will persuade you. An inappropriate "NO" will only anger a woman if you deliver the "NO" and deny her the opportunity of negotiation. That's why they get so ticked off when we act like we're afraid to say "NO;" it's just too wussy for words in their world.
But it does make things easier if you try to say "NO" only when appropriate, because it shows that you are reading her, which in turn means that you are paying attention to her, a big compliment in the women's playbook. The easiest way to draw the line between an appropriate and inappropriate "NO" is to ask one simple question, "Has she earned a 'yes'?"
If your wife says she wants new furniture for a room, and has contributed to the smooth and secure operation of the household, whether through a job or "domestic efforts," been loyal and trustworthy, given you love and respect, etc., then she's earned a "yes," as long as what she's asking for is within or can be worked into your budget, obviously. If she's laid around on her lazy or drunken butt while you and the kids have done everything and complained because you didn't do it fast enough, abused herself and you, and exhibited a general lack of respect for herself and everyone around her, no, she hasn't.
Indeed, she's earned a trip out the door to divorce court, just as you would if you did the same thing. It's really that plain and simple - ruthless, as one forum member called it, but necessary just the same. (It's at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, and you should visit, because even though it's still in beta and there are under 200 people there, the posts are REALLY interesting and helpful already.)
Or, put another way, if you think she deserves it and want to agree because of that, she's earned a "yes," but if you're thinking about giving in to earn some favor from her that really isn't a favor, but something a wife should be doing, you're about to get busted for being a wuss, and getting the furniture without gaining whatever favor you were after is just the beginning of your punishment, so don't go there. You can reward good behavior and punish the bad behavior, and you can exhibit good behavior by acting like a man of self-respect, but you cannot "buy off" a woman, at least not any woman worth having. That is in essence saying to her that you think she's a prostitute, and they don't take kindly to such things, sometimes even when they are.
As I said to this new reader today, I have searched extensively to find any rational downside to a man having genuine self-esteem and engaging in attractive behavior like being strong for his wife or girlfriend, and I have failed utterly to identify even an iota's worth of a good reason to do anything less. If a woman says she wants something, even if you think it's the right thing to do, invite her to make her case, thereby opening the negotiation that she expects and WANTS to engage in. Yes, you read that right.
Women naturally engage in negotiation to communicate nearly everything, and if she's testing, you've made the right move, and if she's not, she'll be happy to build the emotion of making her case instead of just having you give in. The same thing if you think you should say "no" - yes, really! If you think it's a bad idea, say so, and immediately invite her to make her case so that she doesn't feel shut down and retaliate. It would sound something like:
Her: "Honey, what do you think about our living room furniture?" (Implied statement: "Honey, I want new living room furniture, and it's time to negotiate.")
You: "I like it fine, why?" (The "why" is needed for her to continue; if you don't say it, she will most likely take it that you shut down the discussion!)
Her: "Well I think it needs to be replaced." (Or in the long version, "Don't you think it looks old and worn out (or the color is wrong, or it's uncomfortable, etc.)?" meaning I want to change it." Some women will continually ask questions to repeat the statement they are trying to make until you make it back to them, signifying understanding and interest.)
You: "Well, like I said, I don't see any problem with it, but you live her too, so tell me what makes you want to replace it."
From there, she'll either give you good reasons to do so, like pointing out that it's stained, uncomfortable worn, or she's so bored with it she doesn't feel comfortable in the room anymore (yes, that can be a very legitimate reason, as you would know if you knew everything you need to know about women, depending on whether she is truly bored with the furniture and the room condition or if she is generally bored and wanting "retail therapy" on the magnitude of a furniture purchase), or she'll stammer around talking about where you can buy it on sale, or giving you the old "you'd just buy it for me without asking questions if you loved me," routine if she doesn't have a good reason and is either testing you or showing her true colors as a gold-digger (and maybe it's time to test her a bit, too!)
The bottom line is that if she has a good reason, she'll enjoy talking about it and enjoy the intimacy and challenge of the negotiation. And if she doesn't, her behavior will make it quite obvious.
Living with a woman is easy if you are fairly well-matched in terms of values, tastes and interests and you understand what you need to know about women, which is how they are both like us and different from us, and how to communicate well enough to recognize negotiations, questions that are statements, etc. Now, you have a decision to make...
Are you going to spend a lifetime trying to learn on your own and reach the end of your life lonely and still not knowing?
Or worse, assume that I'm full of crap and you don't need to learn anything?
Or are you one of us guys who see a problem, seek out a viable solution, preferably one that has already worked for somebody else in similar circumstances, and fix it?
If you're that first guy, I commend your can-do attitude, but isn't reinventing the wheel a gross waste of time? Not to mention a HUGE risk of having life - family life - as you know it, come to a sudden halt if you don't figure it out, or don't figure it out fast enough?
If you're that second guy, why are you reading my newsletter? If you're looking for validation of your past actions instead of a solution to your self-inflicted problems, you're looking in the wrong place. I help people fix problems, not feel good about having created them.
If you're that third guy, let me hook you up with what you need, and yes, it has already been tested and proven by thousands of couples. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." Read it. Study it. Learn from it the answer to that oldest of man's questions: "What makes a woman tick?" and that next oldest: "What do women REALLY want?" Then go sweep your woman off her feet...I dare you! (And for those of you in the southern United States, "I double-dog dare you!")
In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham "Being a man is something to which one should aspire, not something for which he should apologize." --David Cunningham
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Winning The Online Game Of Love Essential Secrets Of Internet Datingsuccess
That being said, there are still techniques to greatly increase you chance for successfully meeting someone online for a long-term relationship. If you want to win the online game of love, your best bet is to start right at the beginning, with how you present yourself in your profile, and how you respond to other's profiles.
The first tip is to be honest in your profile. Similar to a job search, while you want to present your skills and experience in the best possible light, you wouldn't lie on your resume, would you? Put yourself in the other person's shoes. It would be incredibly disappointing to be interested in someone based on their profile, and find out they misrepresented themselves. A successful profile is honest, but also engaging. You want to display at least a glimmer of the real you on your profile.
Another important tip is to avoid appearing too aggressive or desperate. Let the relationship progress, and don't push too hard for a face-to-face meeting. Let the other person feel comfortable first. Of course, if they keep putting it off, it may be time to move on. Express interest, but don't email or instant message too frequently. While you don't want to be perceived as playing games, at this stage, its good to keep it light. If the chemistry is there, the person will be intrigued and want to get to know you better.
And finally, don't feel compelled to share every detail of your life story immediately. Answer questions concisely, and expand if you feel there is an interest. Remember to follow-up with questions of your own, so the conversation doesn't become too one-sided. Before you launch into a long explanation of anything, ask yourself, would this person feel that this is too much information for a simple question? Its always best to leave someone feeling intrigued and wanted to know more, instead of overwhelmed with too much sharing.
Online dating can be a lot of fun. But if your goal is to win the online date of love by finding a love match for a long-term relationship, its best to have a strategy going in. Treating others like you would yourself is a great place to start, and being smart abo
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Reference: pickup-and-love.blogspot.com
Monday, June 17, 2013
When Features And Benefits Dont Get It Done An Interview With Alen Mayer
THE NEW RULES FOR SALES -- WHEN FEATURES AND BENEFITS DON'T GET IT DONE
"Sales wisdom from Alen Mayer, as told to Chiara Cokieng"
Alen Mayer is a veteran salesman and sales trainer. With over two decades of experience, he's able to deliver results quickly and has powerful mental models for understanding sales. Most interestingly, he now has a specialty in how introverts can leverage their natural skills to even be better salespeople than extroverts!
Alen: I am a sales trainer. But first and foremost, I'm the person in sales for over 20 years now. I started very young during university selling bulldozers and excavators -- heavy equipment. My whole career, I leaned towards sales.
TODAY, I FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT FOR INTROVERTS OUT THERE.
Most people think salespeople are born to be good salespeople. Be loud. Be obnoxious. I've worked with everything from small Mom and Pop shops to IBM. AND EVERY TIME I TRAIN, I LEARN THAT INTROVERTS HAVE MORE POTENTIAL TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT SALES. I want to share this with people. I want to help introverts overcome the situations they see on a daily basis.
The last five or six years, I've written a lot about sales. Most sales trainers stick with things from the 70s or 80s that worked 20 or 30 years ago, but the world has changed so fast and the sales industry hasn't caught up. You can hear advice about sales from 50 years ago. Customers don't need the salesman to explain everything about the product -- they can Google it. The salesman now needs to help someone find the solution to their needs.
SALES TALK AND HOW PEOPLE THINK ABOUT IT NEEDS TO CHANGE.
And that starts with the salespeople.
In North America, 30% or 40% of salespeople are introverted. They think something is wrong with them. That they need to be louder or pushier, more aggressive. But that's not true.
Many leaders in sales are self-admitted introverts. They learned how to use their natural strengths to sell. That you don't need to be like the stereotype of a salesperson. You need to excel in your skills, show you really care, and really help, but you don't need to be like that. Psychology is an important part of a sales role -- how to communicate and how to approach people. Not approaching everyone the same way.
I am an introvert. But I used to not know much about it.
"BEFORE I LEARNED ABOUT INTROVERT/EXTROVERT, I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME."
After a presentation, I always need time for myself. To recharge. I have a colleague who is an extrovert. After a huge presentation, he wants to talk to 20 more people. Extroverts charge their batteries by being around other people, while introverts charge their batteries by being alone.
It's not being shy. Shyness is something totally different. Introverts understand that; extroverts don't.
My wife is an extrovert and when she sees my alone quietly in the audience, she'll say jokingly, "What's wrong with you?"
Nothing! We think before we talk, and we need time alone to think to recharge our batteries. A lot of sales people aren't aware they're introverts. Or that they could get a lot of strength from that. Instead, they think something's wrong with them and that they should behave more like stereotypical salespeople.
I overcame that from a few experiences I had.You see a salesperson who is the life of the party and networks with everyone -- but can't sell. I was more shy, but always in the top 3 of actual sales.Sales is not about being loud or being the life of the party. It's about bringing results and being good at what you do.
THE ONE THING INTROVERTS HAVE, THAT EXTROVERTS DON'T UNDERSTAND
...is that we like to prepare ourselves for every situation.
Introverts love to prepare, to have questions and potential answers, to have answers to every objection we can think of. We have answers the clients may need. Extroverts generally don't prepare that much. It's in their nature. I'm not saying one is better than the other, it's like being left-handed or right-handed.
When I realized how the introverted way works, I shared this with my team and later started training it. When introverts can draw on the strength that comes with them, they can sell even more than traditional sales people.
"BEING THE CALM IN THE STORM, I'D SAY."
We're often mistaken for being too reserved, too shy. We sit back and try to get a better vantage people. We try to understand the situation before we speak. An introvert will sit in the corner and think before speaking, but you'll be surprised at what they have to say once they get the facts.
"THEY WON'T SPEAK UP AND FIGHT WITH LOUD PEOPLE, BUT THEY HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY."
I'm working on a book about this right now: Getting introverted people in a company more involved. It's a new field. If you Google it or check Amazon, there's only one book about it besides mine. I've been surprised at the questions and interest I'm getting.
Between one-third and half of sales people are introverts, and if their manager is an extrovert, they think they need to be extroverted. You need to use your strength. Yes, fight your fears. But grow and develop your strengths, and help your team to grow if you're talking business.
SO WHAT IF YOU'RE AFRAID?
FIRST OF ALL, YOU NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR ANXIETY.
Look at athletes -- they psych themselves up. But if you're an introvert, don't over-do it. Don't imitate extroverts. Find your own voice. You need to be prepared and know what you're talking about. An introvert's advantage is being prepared. She knows exactly how the prospect can improve her bottom line, her products, her situation. Talk to her to get her ideas and her examples.
Many extroverts can't connect with people because they see sales "strictly as a job". Today they maybe selling computer software. Tomorrow they're selling copy machines. But there's no connection to the product or the company.
"IF YOU CAN FIND A CONNECTION WITH WHAT YOU'RE SELLING, YOU HAVE A HUGE ADVANTAGE. YOU HAVE PASSION FOR WHAT YOU DO. YOU UNDERSTAND THINGS ON A DEEP AND COMPLEX LEVEL."
SECOND, ASK WHY YOU'RE DOING IT.
You'll go through difficult times in sales. It's the only profession in the world where you'll be unsuccessful 90% of the time, and be the best in the world.
Introverts are naturally rude less often. Many extroverts have a reputation of being loud to people they're not directly selling to. Whereas introverts take a thoughtful approach. They work with everyone, the office assistant, all of their staff, the gatekeepers. These people can help you, while loud people are denied or ignored.
Introverts have a keen ability to observe other people. Clients will tell you everything you need to know if you observe. Not just verbal communication, but body language and many other cues. Introverts can learn how to read clients without words and develop their observation skills.
Knowledge is your advantage in any unknown situation, and reading people becomes a very valuable tool. For example, even if your client is an extrovert:
"HOW DO YOU ALIGN WITH WHAT THEY'RE THINKING AND SAYING? HOW DO YOU READ THEIR MIND? HOW DO YOU USE LANGUAGE TO SPEAK THEIR SAME LANGUAGE?"
I don't mean English to English or Spanish to Spanish, I mean audio, visual, or kinesthetic. Introverts can pick these skills up quickly.
I've been spreading the word of combining NLP with sales over the last few years. People hear about NLP here or there. But like any tool, it's all about how you use it. For sales people, it's all about finding the tools that you can use practically tomorrow. The most important for this is pacing and leading, which is a cornerstone of NLP.
Have you heard about Tony Robbins? He's an NLP guy, but he doesn't promote NLP itself. It's good on the motivation side, but it's also transferable to everyday situations. What I mean by pacing and leading...
MANY PEOPLE WHO HEAR ABOUT NLP DON'T REALLY LEARN ABOUT IT.
You don't care what the technique is, as long as it helps you create a better relationship with the client. Whether it's NLP or BLT, you don't care.
Pacing and leading is sending the message to a client, "I'm like you. I behave like you." People buy from people that are like them. It's about the body movement, not just words. You can pace them and the loudness of their voice. This is complex and we can't cover all of it, but you can pace even the speed of their voice and many things verbally.
You can pace their body movement. Move to the right if they move to the right. That's called mirroring. Synchronize with the client, pace, pace, and then lead.
MANY PEOPLE MISUNDERSTAND THE GOAL OF CREATING RAPPORT WITH THE CLIENTS.
They think it's good to create rapport alone, but no -- at the end, you have to lead them. In sales situations, it's about taking a conversation to a situation where they buy from you.
THERE'S PHYSICAL RAPPORT AND VERBAL RAPPORT.
Physical rapport is this: When they move, you move. Repeat this. Then, at the end, you start leading.
With the verbal thing, it's a bit more sophisticated. When you match or mirror your clients, you should wait to a count of three. If they cross their leg, you should wait three seconds and then cross your leg. Pacing. But try this first with friends and family, or at a coffee shop, not in a sales situation.
Match the speed of the person talking.
Let's say you're doing telephone sales. If you talk extremely fast, and the other person speaks extremely slowly, they won't understand you. It's too fast for them, so you need to slow down and adjust the speed you talk. That's one way to create verbal rapport.
"TALK LIKE YOUR CLIENTS TALK. SOUND LIKE THEY SOUND."
If they have a really deep voice and you have a really high-pitched voice, you should adjust yourself. It's all about having behavior flexibility. If you try something and it's not working, maybe you should change and approach your clients in a different way.
It's all about being flexible and approaching each client in a different way, depending on their situation. I like to say,
"MEET THE CLIENTS IN THEIR WORLD FIRST, AND THEN YOU CAN TAKE THEM TO YOUR WORLD."
One thing people don't understand is how to speak their client's mind.
I'll give you an example some people think is unusual. If I ask you, "Please tell me the most amazing vacation you had in your life." I should pay attention to your answer.
THERE ARE THREE GROUPS -
People who use visual words, expressions like "it looks like to me, I have a mental picture, a sight for sore eyes, tunnel vision, bird's eye view" -- visual words, clear, sight, see. You should communicate in the same language. "You'll see the benefits."
Other people are auditory. They use words like "loud and clear, to tell the truth, unheard of, voice an opinion" -- these are all auditory words, people who like to express these. Say "You'll hear the benefits, you'll probably like."
Third group is kinesthetic or emotional. "Hold on, get a handle on, pain in the neck, grasp, handle, feel." They need to touch things. Even if you just give them the marketing materials, they need to touch and feel it before deciding anything. This is all technique: Feel, felt, found. "I understand how you feel. This is how other people felt, and they found..."
If they start talking visual, I'll mention visual.
If they switch to emotional, "Well, Alen... This doesn't feel right."
"I understand how you feel"
And if they change back to visual, "We have to see results before we decide."
"Fine. We'll show you."
Here is one thing I like to explain many people have never heard of:
WHEN YOU TRY TO SELL TO YOUR CLIENTS, LOOK FOR THEIR MOTIVATION.
If I ask you any question about your goals, your targets, what you desire... You are either motivated towards goals or away from problems.
If you ask someone what they want in a new job, car, or house, they'll start to tell you their values. And values are the real stuff.
FEATURES AND BENEFITS DON'T GET IT DONE. YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT VALUES. WHEN YOU SPEAK ABOUT VALUES, YOU TALK ABOUT GOOD STUFF. REAL STUFF.
I had a training for real estate agents. I asked if they ask why their clients bought their past home.
Some people would say, "I wanted a safe home." They're moving away from problems. Others will say, "It's an up and coming neighborhood, it increased in value, and now we sold and made 30% profit." That's a towards answer.
"AFTER YOU GET THE ANSWER, ASK, "WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU?" THEN YOU HEAR REAL ANSWERS."
Towards people, they talk about what they want, what they can achieve, the benefits. Everything indicates they're moving towards something.
If you're talking to towards-people, you can say, "Here's what we can do, here's what we can achieve, here's what we can get."
Away-from people talk about what to avoid. The whole insurance industry is built on people going away from bad situations.
With away-people, you can say, "We'll get this fix, we'll get this handled, we'll get rid of any issues."
Towards-people want gains, away-people want to get away from problems. I'm not saying one is better than the other -- it's all about understanding people and their motivation. Listen to what language your clients speak.
http://sebastianmarshall.com/the-new-rules-for-sales-when-features-and-benefits-dont-get-it-done
The post When Features and Benefits Don't Get It Done (an interview with Alen Mayer) appeared first on The Missing Piece to Sales Success - sales blog by Alen Mayer.
Friday, June 14, 2013
A Lavelys Small Tribute To Go Eunbi Eun B And Kwon Risae Rise
Alright ladies, character. This one is for you two.
Hi anyone. A few may make itself felt me, but reasonably assorted of you don't. I don't make itself felt how far off I can be in touch, but I just need to say everything.
As the person who had first requested a fanclub be made for Ladies' Code roughly on GURUPOP and a Lavely that has been major them while the first kid sheet were on the house, these beyond few verve comprise been very soon devestating. First with Eunbi and now with Risae...this is just beyond me.
For example do I level say? So assorted people comprise been redistribution on tumblr, writing devoted messages for Ladies' Code, family, friends, and level the fans. All of the messages comprise been fantastic and so beautiful. If I were to function everything about these two ladies, it would reasonably never end.
Risae's beautiful smirk and add up personality were such vivid qualities to her. Shewas precise the christen Melodious Code in the group. And oh, how her smirk brought out that crispness.
Eunbi had so far off control that bound to be set aside so assorted going. She bound to be fit the fan-given christen of EunVitamin. Shewas precise the christen Divine Code in the group. She loyally uttered her enhance anywhere she went.
There's so far off that can be believed about these two lovely angels and the messages on tumblr and unacceptable are work just that. I would end up just repeating all that they comprise believed.
The one item I want to note is a small quote that is bound to be getting so far off attention now. This is a direct quote from a function on Koreaboo:
In a bring in, a fan messages Bank and asks her the question, Which tentacle do you want to grab care of and the one you feel supreme mortified discarding alone?
Bank responded with an kind, EunB! inspection her true sisterly relationship with her guy tentacle.
The restore bring in is here:https://twitter.com/LC Rise/status/499176707878711297
Whether we were old hat or not, this loyally did attendance. I thank anyone that has been loyally ardent for Ladies' Code and unusually for these two ladies.
Eunbi and Risae, satisfy rest peacefully. Every of you didn't worth to go like this, but now you are two beautiful angels. Keep happy watch over your families, friends, us Lavelys, and unusually your guy Ladies' Code girls Ashley, Zuny, and Sojung.
Thank you for being beautiful lights in all of our lives. You apiece will never be long-ago.
#StayStrongLadiesCode #RIPEunB #RIPRise
Alright, I did it. How was that ladies?
Ah, you ladies are dancing all ablaze. Your happiness can't be restricted.
Thank you.
Sources: sheet and gifs from tumblr and quote fromhttp://blog.koreaboo.com/post/96853301033/ladies-code-rise-revealed-to-fan-i-want-to-take-care
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Positive Psychology Young Love
-Artist: Tab Hunter
-the # 22 song of the 1955-1959 rock era
-was # 1 for 6 weeks in 1957
-Words and Music by Carole Joyner and Ric Cartey
- Sonny James' competing version also hit # 1 and The Crew-Cuts' hit # 17
They say for every boy and girl
There's just one love in this whole world
And I know I've found mine
The heavenly touch of your embrace
Tells me no one could take your place
Ever in my heart
Young love, first love
Filled with true devotion
Young love, our love
We share with deep emotion
Just one kiss from your sweet lips
Will tell me that you love is real
And I can feel that it's true
We will vow to one another
There will never be another
Love for you or for me
Young love, first love
Filled with true devotion
Young love, our love
We share with deep emotion
Transcribed by Ronald E. Hontz
ronhontz@worldnet.att.net
