How Your Differences Can Make You Closer

by Kara Oh

Your relationship cannot be as close as you'd like it to be if you're not willing to shift your attitude about your differences, i.e. what causes the friction between you.n the beginning, you probably thought his differences were cute, adorable, enchanting even.As you became more familiar, some of those differences have probably begun to wear on you, maybe even make you a little bit crazy.It's important to remember that it's our differences that make us interesting to each other. It's essential that you remember you two are not the same, that you don't want to be the same, and life would be less interesting if you were too much the same.

THE TROUBLE IS, MOST OF THE TIME IT'S THE DIFFERENCES THAT CAUSE MOST OF THE PROBLEMS IN A RELATIONSHIP.

If he saves money and you like to spend it; if he's messy and you're tidy; if he likes to eat at 6:00 sharp and you eat when you're hungry; if he's too lenient with the kids and you're strict; if he's casual and you're more formal; if he likes sex in the morning and you like it at night; if he likes sex more often than you do; you're going to have trouble if you don't know how to deal with your differences.Generally, it's the differences that breed resentment and distance.Would you like to know how to make those irritating differences be a vehicle for deeper intimacy? This is a very important topic to embrace if you want to truly guarantee a lifetime of love.True intimacy is an ability to open up to each other and allow yourselves to be vulnerable. The only way a person can be vulnerable with another is if they know they're not going to be attacked. They must know that what they have to share is going to be heard, honored, and accepted as what's true for that person.If you and your husband have gotten into the habit of attacking each other because of your differences, then this is going to be a very difficult habit to change. But it ' essential if you are going to develop the kind of intimacy that lasts a lifetime.Before discussing how to bridge this gap, let me inspire you to seriously consider staying open to the possibility that the following might be the best way to guarantee a lifetime of love. That's because you're going to turn the primary reasons for divorce into the most precious means to ever-deepening intimacy.To make this concept work successfully for you, you must both be willing to have open-hearted, revealing conversations with each other. You have to be able to talk about your differences in a way that stays loving.To do that you must keep in the forefront of your thinking the realization that everything you're going to be doing here is to insure an enduring relationship. You got married wanting forever, this is an important part of making that a reality. So let's get started.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR DIFFERENCES WORK FOR YOU

Make a date with each other, or select a time and place, where you will work on transforming your differences into deeper love, respect, and intimacy. Treat it like you would an appointment with a couple's therapist.To begin this process, make a list of all your differences. It's most effective if you categorize them into differences you admire and enjoy, and differences that cause friction. Since the goal is to deepen intimacy, you're going to learn that this new way of talking to each other works any time you want to understand each other more clearly.Once you get comfortable with this form of communicating, you're going to want to make it an important part of how you interact.I would advise you to begin to learn this new way of opening up to each other by working with one of the differences that you both admire and appreciate. You can decide whose list you take this first item from.Have an open discussion about why you appreciate how you are each different in regard to this item. Discuss why you think it's a benefit for the two of you. This is a nice beginning to set the tone for this discussion.

NOW YOU CAN MOVE INTO THE MEATY PART OF WHAT THIS CONVERSATION CAN ACCOMPLISH FOR YOU.

Take turns talking about why you think you each are the way you are. How did you come to be this way. Look back on your childhood, how your parents were as models, how you maybe developed safety mechanisms to counter something that was going on in your childhood. Maybe you were married before and you created certain types of conditioning to get along with your partner.I was married for 29 years to someone who was judgmental. But not in any way that was obvious, which turned out to be very damaging. The conditioning that was put into place was to fear making any kind of mistake.How that interferes in my relationship with my partner today is that I feel judged when he goes into what I call his Professor Mode. He has been a finance professor for over 20 years. His topic is pragmatic so he teaches in a pragmatic way.But for me, it seems critical. He was lovingly trying to help me learn, but my defenses went up. We talked about these differences between us and he admitted that I am not the first to point this out. So he said he would try to be more gentle and loving, that he would not assume things about what I was thinking, and that if he forgot, to stop him.The outcome of this conversation is that I don't get defensive and he is more than willing to shift how he is talking to me so that I feel loved, which is his greatest desire.

Another, even stronger piece of my conditioning is that, as a little girl, I felt like I was a bother. I won't go into why that belief was put into place, but it helped me to step right into believing my husband when he made me feel like I was a screw-up.He's since apologized for putting me through all those years of his judgmentalism, but the damage was done. Because I understand this about myself, I can work on it in every arena where it gets in the way of what I want, and my partner can help me let go of that old conditioning.

From this example, can you see how this kind of deep understanding of each other can create more intimacy? The more you know about each other, the more you understand why you are the way you are, the closer you will become. That's because you'll be sharing from your hearts.After you feel like you've gotten to the core of why you're different in regard to the particular item you're working on, tell each other how you're feeling toward each other with this new insight. I suspect you'll be feeling more deeply connected. It's very sweet.When you're working on the differences that create friction between you, this final step will help a lot. What you must do is create a plan for dealing with whatever feelings might come up the next time that particular difference shows up.Hopefully, your reaction will not be as strong, but if you have a plan already in place, you'll both be able to make some significant shifts in how you react.Just remember that the goal is not to be right, but to be loved. You cannot float in a river of love if you are mucking around in a hole of mud.Besides, being right at the cost of losing your connection is not going to help you sleep better at night. It's certainly not going to hold you or make love to you.From my heart to yours, Kara Oh

Source: break-seduction.blogspot.com

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How Nlp Can Help You

By Fyodor Gray

NLP can be used to overcome any life obstacle, from health worries and phobias, to confidence issues and life traumas. The following case studies are simply a few out of the millions of people NLP has helped so far, and the millions more it will continue to help.

NLP trained practitioners have an understanding of the inner workings of the human mind, and can channel that information into helping you make significant progressive changes. NLP is the process of helping you to change the deep set mind patterns of your behaviours, emotions and thoughts that lead initially cause anxiety, self esteem issues, health issues, and mental problems and disorders, addictions and other dangerous and restricting behaviours.

Often the hardest but most key area to success in any area of life is reading people. Whether it is day to day tasks or life changing decisions, most of the choices we make in our life will involve or directly affect at least one or more other people. Even if it's simply what you choose for your family to eat for dinner tonight or whether that business investment or new job offer is too good to be true.

Barbara Morrison was a certified teacher of real estate education to adults, but she was not satisfied with the low level of real estate education provided. So, with the help of NLP, she gained the knowledge, skills and confidence to open her own school of real estate education, offering what is now considered to be one of the top courses in real estate education. She is now a successful teacher and business woman, all thanks to NLP.

About the Author:

Get more information on NLP practitioner training.

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Sometimes My Brain Is Awesome Dreams Part Xix

Sometimes I love my think up, part for enjoyable me for striving to be wonderful in my waking life, and part just for the tighten up crap it comes up with at the same time as I'm not looking.

In the hindermost half-hour of nothingness hindermost night, I was an Indiana-Jones-esque manly-man badass, steeling the in limbo outcome I needed from an horrific(?) fashion of full bastards in the past falling off the litter memento they point they were trustworthy needing: the moldy body of their blessed saint, John the Thatcher (Margaret Thatcher's brother).

They drank some infusion made of oarange glass of something and a cap of 5-Hour Depart out of a carafe they questionnaire contiguous to the body, I think to guarantee they would resume oppressively full or something. Of route, I jejune the fun bits of John's sarcophagus, so even even as I operative delivered it to watch their orgiastic Bacchanal, they'd be poor again my break of day.

Then the insignificant imp con artist/female lead made an Indiana Jones irritate about clams (which is not from any Indiana Jones shampoo, but it was in this life, clearly a new one, since) my upshot was to dash her across the room until she tripped over a picnic table magistrates such as no one can run in an ankle-length catlike cocktail show. She trustworthy point I'd out her at the party as my sometimes-accomplice, but by the time I without an answer up to her all I did was pick her up and say, "Rotten, I've never seen that one.". And in addition to bestow was a lot of kissing. On a par, a "lot" a lot.

The elementary irritate I made to get sarcasm'd at was something about clams.

Oh, did I extol the catlike badass cat burglar chick I was making out with at the end of my adventure was Emma Watson? I in all probability could do with continue mentioned that I made out with Emma Watson. In a fair wig. I told her I liked her better as a gloomy. I don't evoke if she liked that.

(Equally bestow was too further kissing.)

Sometimes, I love my think up. Thank you, think up.

Credit: relationships-rescue.blogspot.com

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Make It Stop I Cant Stop Being Jealous Of My Boyfriends Ex

My boyfriend, Sven (not his real name), and I have been together for about seven months. And while he's incredible, there's just one thing that makes me uncomfortable. My BF is very close with his ex-girlfriend Veronica (not her real name either). They hang out with each other one-on-one, share a circle of friends and common interests, they dated through college and even lived together.

I like this girl, and I want to be capable of forming a friendship with her, for both my boyfriend's happiness and my own peace of mind. But every time I am put in a social situation with her, I freeze up, internally panic, and start comparing myself to her. Veronica is pretty, funny, and I can totally envision her and my boyfriend as having been/being a couple. I think she picks up on this vibe, which I find completely mortifying.

Early on in the relationship, in an effort to be honest, I told Sven about my apprehensions, but that I did not expect or want him to change his friendship with her. But this did not alleviate my discomfort as I hoped it would.

I trust my boyfriend, I even admire his ability to remain friends with an ex, but what can I do about this unwanted jealousy?

Right off the bat, you should shift your goal from becoming friends with her to just supporting her friendship with Sven as best as you can. Don't expect to have a friendship with her. You can be cordial, sure, but don't put that pressure on yourself. She's been in his life for years; you've been in his life for a few months. Of course that's going to feel intimidating for you and threatening for her.

There's a shift happening; you're becoming Sven's main squeeze while she's becoming more of a supporting player. And the truth is, the longer you're with him, the less important she will be in his life. Believe me, she knows that. Your task is to help him make this transition from besties to good friends with her as gracefully as you can.

As for what you can do to slay the green monster, I'm going to let you in on a secret: You kill jealousy with gratitude. Yes, gratitude.

Say the following out loud: "Thank you, Veronica, for being a support system for Sven. Thank you for teaching him how to be a great boyfriend. You've helped shape him into the man I love today and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And thank you for illuminating what issues I need work on in my own life so that I can a more confident woman and the best girlfriend to Sven as possible."

Your jealousy is a gift. It's a sign from the universe that you should be investing in some serious self-care. Pay attention to what exactly you're jealous of. If it's her beauty, get a nice haircut and invest in some quality makeup. If it's her smarts, then read some books to broaden your mind. If you're jealous of her closeness with Sven, then commit to being the best girlfriend for him that you can be. Get yourself to a place where you won't feel threatened by anyone. Now you have a goal, thanks to Veronica.

I don't know if you feel comfortable doing this, but you might consider having a heart-to-heart with Sven where you acknowledge that after doing some soul searching, you now realize that you were operating from a place of fear and insecurity before. Furthermore, you're grateful to Veronica that she's been such a good friend to him and that she's helped shaped him into the wonderful person you get to date today. Even just saying that out loud might make you feel better.

I know this relationship stuff -- jealousy, exes, articulating emotions -- isn't easy. But, you are growing as a person because of it. You're confronting your fears, which is commendable. Most importantly, you're learning how to kill jealousy dead in its tracks, which, no exaggeration, is a skill that will benefit you for the rest of your life.

If it makes you feel any better, in my experience, the more serious you and your boyfriend get, the less time he'll have for these casual friend hangs. In fact, if you play your cards right and give them space to navigate their friendship on their own terms, she might be so impressed by the respectful way you honored their friendship-assuming she's not a nut job, I don't know the woman-she might even be your ally down the road. Just having her say, "I really like your girlfriend. She's a keeper," would mean a lot to Sven, which in turn would bode well for your future with him. Hey, it could happen.

For now, your only job is to keep strengthening your bond with Sven and to build your confidence up. And once you slay that green monster, you will truly be able to enjoy the wonderful path you're on with him.

"Make It Stop is a weekly column in which Anna Goldfarb - author of "Clearly, I Didn't Think This Through" and the blogger behind the blog, Shmitten Kitten - tells you what's up. Want a fresh take on a stinky dilemma? Email anna@annagoldfarb.com with the subject "Make It Stop." She'll make it all better, or at least make you laugh. Girl Scout's honor."

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Vin Dicarlo Pandora Box

Do you need help getting dates? Are you having trouble with your relationships? Tired of being rejected by good looking girls and only settling for the average looking ones? Well, we have all been there. Lucky for you, there are some great tips and tricks that you can use so that you can get more dates and girls will seriously become attracted to you. It doesn't matter how you look like or how much money or materialistic things you possess. All you need is some of these skills and you'll get dozens of dates in no time. A program called Vin Dicarlo Pandora's Box will help you utilize the knowledge of the female mind to make girls attracted to you. You'll become a "women-expert" in no time.

One thing that Pandora's Box teaches you to get lots of girls is you need confidence. Not a lot of girls are going to go for the shy and calm guy at a party or a bar. They won't even go for a shy and calm guy at a library. So, one thing that you must develop is the confidence to go up to a girl and break the ice. Once you do this and once you get a conversation started, everything else will follow. But the first step is that you must have total confidence. You need confidence in your speaking, confidence in your body language, and confidence in your eyes. If a girl see's that you may not seem too confident, she'll probably back off. This is a very important technique that is taught in Vin Dicarlo Pandora's Box.

Another important thing that is taught in Pandora's Box, is you need to know what type of girl she is. In the program, there are 8 different categories. You need to know this, because not all girls are the same. Just like not all people are the same and just like not all people like the same things and want the same things, girls are no different either. If you know what category the girl is, it will be a lot easier to attract the girl. One way to find out the type of the girl is to ask her the "3 secret questions." Once you know the answers and once you identify her personality type, you will then need to implement one of the strategies in the Vin Dicarlo Pandora's Box guide.

There are dozens of other techniques and tricks that you can use to attract basically any girl you want. The Vin Dicarlo Pandora's Box system really is an ultimate guide to attracting girls and probably the only one you ever need. You do need to practice and implement some of the techniques so that you get a feel for it, but other than that, it is quite simple and easy to use. You'll soon be able to date any women you choose and girls will soon become crazy for you. You grow a big respect for women and you will also know a lot more about psychology and attraction if you follow the Pandora's Box guide.

Credit: pua-celebrities.blogspot.com

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